Your guide to acting like a “real” baseball fan on opening day at Coors Field
“If the Monforts build it we will come – because we’re idiots. At least that’s how the Denver sports media seems to see us.”
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The Colorado Rockies are the Rodney Dangerfield of National League baseball teams. They don’t get no respect at all. By proxy their fans don’t either. Lovers of the Rockies are though to be uneducated lemmings with no sense for the history of the game. They’re just simplistic fools who sit in Coors Field soaking up the sunshine and flat Coors Light by the plastic cupful. Worse, they’re oblivious to hotheir herd mentality allows the wealthy owners of the Rockies to line their pockets, thus insuring that the team doesn’t need to win on a yearly basis. If the Monforts build it we will come – because we’re idiots. At least that’s how the Denver sports media seems to see us.
If you’re planning to attend Colorado’s home opener on Friday afternoon against the Arizona Diamondbacks you can help to change the image we Rockies fans have amongst these headier media types by displaying a few simple behaviors and by following some basic guidelines. Here is your guide to acting like a “real baseball fan” on opening day so that the media will stop making fun of us:
Pretend to be from a city that’s had baseball for a minimum of 80 years. Even if you’re a native Coloradan and you’ve only followed the great game for the past twenty years it’s important to try to look like you’re from one of the mighty cities of the east or one of the mid-western towns into which baseball expanded early in the twentieth century. Nobody respects a Johnny-come-lately.
Head to the thrift store and buy some weathered fan gear. It’s impossible to wear a shiny new Rockies spring training cap and a tee-shirt you picked up a week ago at Sports Authority and carry yourself like a real baseball fan. It’s important that your gear be threadbare and that it represent any team but the Rockies. Look for a tattered Cardinals tee – those are very popular among “real” baseball fans. Anything Cubs works, too.
As soon as you walk into Coors Field start referring to it as “Wrigley West”. All the “real” baseball fans compare Coors Field to Wrigley since it’s a popular place to go no matter how bad the team is. Fans from all over America point fun at Cubs fans for continuing to support their hopeless team year after year. They can get away with it, though, because they live in Chicago so it’s different.
Find an opportune time to refer to “the great Willie Mays”. Even if you aren’t familiar at all with the old-time Mets center fielder dropping a reference to Willie Mays can’t hurt. It’s important to add “the great” at the beginning, though, so folks know you’re in tune to baseball history. It’s also acceptable to refer to Mays as “the Say-Hey Kid”.
Whenever Troy Tulowitzki is at bat turn to someone and comment: “he’ll look good in pinstripes someday” and chuckle derisively.
At least pretend to be filling out a score card. Baseball is the great American PASTIME, not the great American FUN time – so in order to keep it dull be sure to pay really close attention and at least pretend to be filling out a score card. Also, shake your head a lot and look disgusted as you make notations.
Point to the “rooftop project” / “party deck” and refer to the fans up there as “lemmings”. By doing so you separate yourself from the sots who came to the ball park just to drink and have fun.
Sip your Rio margarita with your pinky finger extended. Show a little east coast cocktail party class by grasping your beverage with three fingers and a thumb and let your pinky extend.
Constantly roll your eyes. Naturally, you just can’t believe how lame this is.
Bitch non-stop about the Monforts and what fools they take people for. People love to say that Rockies’ ownership doesn’t care about winning. You can’t let on that you don’t believe that. Just gripe about them non-stop and compare them to the Stenbrenners if you have to. Whatever you do avoid making comments like “gotta admit, they run a hell of a ballpark”.
Piss and moan about the wave. Even if you think doing the wave is fun it’s crucial that you bitch about it and moan “here we go again”. “Real” baseball fans hate the wave. Remember that.
Whenever the scoreboard operator tries to get a chant started say: “they don’t have to do that in New York”. “Real” baseball fans don’t need to be told what to chant and when.
Bring a monocle. Even if your vision is 20 / 20 it’s good to look like a sophisticated fan from the east. Nothing says “sophisticated and wealthy” like a monocle.
Whatever you do don’t let on that you’re having fun unless the Rockies are winning. You can’t just sit there and enjoy the sunshine and the atmosphere. If you do that we’re right back to square one. If the Rockies have the lead go ahead and have a good time otherwise just look pissed off and miserable and threaten never to come back.
If you do these things you may find that you’ll flip on the radio tomorrow to hear the hosts praising Rockies fans for their newfound sophistication.
