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The Denver Sports Holiday Gift Guide

John Reidy | December 19, 2023

Before Annual Gift Man arrives, take a spin through these great gift ideas for that Denver sports fan in your life.

Denver Broncos

Broncos Booze set

This season has been a doozy. You reluctantly needed this after the Miami game and joyfully embraced it after the Chiefs game. Now you will need it when they ultimately fall short of the playoffs. Sorry. Drink up. 

Broncos Pride Flag

Buy this for your homophobic relative but put it up on the side of their house where they can’t see it for a few weeks. Everyone in the neighborhood will assume they went “woke” and will start talking to them again. If they hate the gays that much, they’re probably gay themselves and may just embrace it. Sports wins again. 

Chiefs doormat

I always felt funny putting my dirty feet on my Broncos car mats and decided that everyone should buy these kinds of items with the Chiefs logo on it. Think of how satisfying it will feel to wipe the dog shit you stepped in, right on to that logo. Cryin’ Pat Mahomes is already complaining!

Crooked Broncos sticker

Join the crowd and put this thing incorrectly on your car. No one else can seem to get it right, so why should you?

House Divided

If you have a Chiefs fan living in your house, inform the FBI that you don’t know where they were on January 6th and problem solved. Come to think of it, is there something wrong with you that you’re allowing this to happen? Is the money they got from robbing banks worth it?

Colorado Avalanche

Avs bad guy socks

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my team associated with the child killer, Darth Vader. I know people will slurp up whatever Star Wars crap you throw into their trough, but this seems a bit much. My beautiful ice boys are not the bad guys here: Vegas and the Wild are. 

Nazem Kadri photo

No particular reason for this being here other than it rules. I bought one for Jordan Binnington and you’ll know he has received it by how many swings of his stick he’s taken on unsuspecting players that night.



Number 15 jersey

This is encased in glass because they want to fool people into thinking they’re getting a Nikola Jokic jersey when we all know he never wore this logo. You’d have to break it open to find out the player who wore it was a huge loser who never won anything. 

Jokic photo

Apropo of nothing, here’s a photo of a real Denver sports winner. NBA champion and Finals MVP, Nikola Jokic. This the gift that keeps on giving and you can wear his number 15 jersey with pride. 



I think this is a bobblehead, otherwise I’m not sure why his head is so much bigger than his body. If Drew Soicher has jacked off to this, you have your answer. But put this in a tucked away space if you’re selling your house and when the new homeowner finds it years later, they will think the place is cursed. Much like the house of horrors that Dinger calls home. 

Rockies sex straps

These look painful and if you’re into that, nothing says pain like the Colorado Rockies. You’ll be wrapping these around your balls, but hey, at least you’re having sex. I mean, I hope so because being a Rockies fan is like the most fatal case of blueballs ever contracted. 

Rockies calendar

Already pre-filled out from April to September with all the L’s this team will take. Really you should just burn this if someone gives it to you to exorcize the evil it contains. There are Swedish black metal albums with more hope than this bleak offering. 

Rockies Traitor Flag

Even though most of the January 6ers were Cardinals fans, there are probably a few Rockies fans who wished they were there. Give this flag to them so they can desecrate the honor of America, all the while rooting for a team that desecrates the pastime of baseball every time they step on the field.

Rockies rain slicker

Put this on while the Rockies continue to piss in your face and tell you it’s raining. Billy Schmidt doesn’t even know when the season starts, but the Rockies will tell you they’re going to compete. Close your mouth though, because that hot rain is coming in fast and plentiful. 

Number One Fan

If you are the Number One Fan of the Colorado Rockies, stick this up your ass and sit down hard because you deserve to have this rammed up your backside for giving this team even an ounce of your attention.



Merry Fucking Christmas


Written by John Reidy


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