Who to root for in the Super Bowl when you just don’t care

“Baltimore should just be renamed Butt-Hole-More because no amount of Old Bay can add enough flavor to make this nasty morsel of a city go down easy. San Francisco wins this one in a landslide.”

I’ve written this same piece now for probably the fifth year in a row and there was a slim moment a few weeks back that I thought I finally wouldn’t have to write it. The Broncos would have been playing in the Super Bowl and it would have been an easy decision on who to root for. But since we all know how that turned out, I’ll write it again this year just in case you’re on the fence with which team you should get behind. The San Francisco 49ers take on the Baltimore Ravens this Sunday in New Orleans and this scientific criteria should help you decide who to root for when you otherwise don’t care.

Enemies of the Broncos
The Ravens have been a classic nemesis for your hometown Broncos for many years. And since I figured Denver wouldn’t beat them at all while Ray Lewis still drew breath, I was very pleased when they handed Baltimore‘s ass to them back in December. But then round two of the playoffs happened and we were back to the “dirtiest of birds” being a perennial thorn in our sides. We can never forget the drubbing San Francisco gave Denver in Super Bowl XXIV. But those were so long ago, it’s hard for me to remember how dejected I felt especially since Jah Elway cleansed us all of Super Bowl sin eight years later in Super Bowl XXXII. The 49ers are not conference foes and the Broncos won’t have to worry about them until they meet in next year’s Super Bowl. The Ravens on the other hand will always remind us of failure so it’s easy to wish them the same this Sunday.

Advantage: San Francisco

 

The Locations
Baltimore is a cold, crime ridden hell-hole, where homeless people openly pee and poo on the sidewalks and in your car. Even worse, it’s also the childhood home of Carmelo Anthony and makes Newark look like Milan. If you want to get shot in a crack bust gone wrong, go to Baltimore. San Francisco on the other hand is one of America‘s best cities that gives NYC a run for its money with its vibrant streets, diverse population, great food and a rich sports tradition. This is like comparing Taco Bell to Tacos Jalisco. Baltimore should just be renamed Butt-Hole-More because no amount of Old Bay can add enough flavor to make this nasty morsel of a city go down easy. San Francisco wins this one in a landslide.

Advantage: San Francisco

 

The fans
The waters get a little murky here because fans from both cities can be equally obnoxious. The San Francisco Giants have won the World Series twice in as many years so the fans are a tad cocky. But the 49ers haven’t even been close to a championship since they won the Super Bowl in 1994 so they could get a big head like the scum in New England did after their many recent championships. But Ravens fans celebrated a Super Bowl in 2000 after the team was ripped away from the Cleveland area and have never accepted the fact that Super Bowl XXXV was probably one of the worst of all time. I’ve never met an Orioles fan but if they’re anything like the fans that I saw wearing their brand new Joe Flacco jerseys around Denver after the “dirtiest of birds” got lucky in Denver a few weeks back, then they suck.

Advantage: San Francisco

 

The Uniforms

The Ravens purple and black scheme seems intimidating enough, but I can think of another team that wears purple and black that doesn’t strike fear into anyone’s heart. At least not in MLB anyway. And the cartoon bird is a little goofy and not that scary when you think about it. I mean it’s just a crow right? Heckle and Jeckle were crows. The 49ers logo is simple yet powerful and the uniform is a sports classic: the red, white and gold heralds NFL royalty and I crown this category winner thusly.

 

Advantage: San Francisco

The coaches
I’m not sure which Harbaugh coaches what team and since both seem like meatheaded loudmouths, I’m going to call this a wash. I hope they both get diarrhea and the only Bowl they coach on Sunday is at the Comfort Inn.

Advantage: none

The Quarterbacks
This is a simple decision. Joe Flacco has got to be one of the most mediocre quarterbacks to ever ascend this far up the NFL food chain. He threw three good passes in Denver and caught a Patriots team napping and now all of a sudden he’s playing for the NFL’s top prize. He may have a good arm but so does Jay Cutler. Flacco had better win the Super Bowl because he certainly won’t make it back again and will be lucky to be someone’s back up in three years. He’s a prime example of how things can break perfectly to get you to the top. So there’s hope for everyone I guess. Colin Kaepernick on the other hand is a great story. Controversially inserted into the lineup after regular starter Alex Smith went down, Kaepernick has been amazing: he’s everything we wanted Tebow to be but with more tattoos and a great arm. Kaepernick is exciting to watch and those tattoos will look great hoisting the Lombardi trophy this Sunday.

Advantage: San Francisco

Half time show
Well, at least Madonna’s withered, old ass isn’t going to be up there this year. Beyonce is a world class talent and lip syncing or not, will put on a great show for morons and children alike who enjoy that sort of thing. Still, the halftime show will always and forever be a big pile of crap.

 

Advantage: No One. We all lose

 

The Story
The media is going to try and sell you on Ray Lewis’s final game as a great story but don’t be fooled. Celebrating Ray Lewis, who is one of the greatest linebackers to play the game, is probably the right thing to do within the confines of football. But his questionable behavior off the gridiron and his insistence that any questions he doesn’t want to answer are the work of the Devil, should give you pause as you break out your own version of his absurd and attention starved dance on Super Bowl Sunday. The 49ers don’t have much that ESPN can run into the ground other than the rise of Colin Kaepernick and homophobic cornerbacks. And since both teams have a Harbaugh, there’s nothing there for SF. We all figured the 49ers could be here anyway so it’s not a surprise like the Ravens crashing the party. But a good story is worth its weight in gold, so for better or for worse, I begrudgingly give this one the Baltimore.

Advantage: Baltimore

Weighing this scientific criteria, you can see a clear pattern develop: Baltimore is a horrible place and rooting for the questionable character of its players and its fans will earn you a nice spot in hell…unless of course you’re Ray Lewis. So if you needed some guidance on who to root for since your team took a seat weeks ago, San Francisco is, as always, where it’s at. Final score, SF wins 24-17.

Written by John Reidy