Who to root for in the Super Bowl when you just don’t care

“Both fanbases are obnoxious wankers that make ISIS look like a few rowdy lads you could have a beer with.”

I’ve written this same piece for the last six years and was finally able to do one with the Broncos before the team’s annihilation at the hands of the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLVIII. So again, I write my annual “Who to root for in the Super Bowl” column with that bitter taste still lingering on my palate, with this year’s matchup not making that go away any time soon.

Forget the controversy and the narratives being spun like silk from a worm’s ass: Super Bowl XLIX will be a barn burner, there’s no question about that. These are the two best teams, each known for their particular styles of play, about to go buck wild for the football loving masses.

Now, I know everyone wishes they could both lose, but we all know that won’t happen. And because you will be compelled to watch just to see if there are any career ending injuries, here’s a handy guide on who to root for when you just don’t care.

Enemies of the Broncos

Well, jeez. Do you want to die in a fire or from stomach cancer? Both of these teams are not well liked by the Broncos or its fans, but if I had to give one the slight nod toward the positive, it would be the Seahawks. They haven’t played in the AFC for years and the Broncos hadn’t really run afoul of them until last year’s SB. The Pats on the other hand have dealt the Broncos many ugly losses when it counted and if you’ve lost any hatred for them for that, you’re as dead as the dick of a dude in a Cialis commercial.

Advantage: Seahawks

The Locations

No one is really sure where Foxborough is so we’ll just say Boston. Boston is a great town filled with history and character, but it’s also cold as shit and filled with garbage people who, if given the slightest indication it was ok, would do something racist or beat up a homeless guy. Seattle on the other hand is delightful. A progressive, cosmopolitan paradise with great food, rich culture and a serene beauty unmatched by any city in the world. The weather is a little weak sometimes but it just adds to its dreary charm.

Advantage: Seahawks

The Fans

Oh god. Another Sophie’s Choice of Shit. Both fanbases are obnoxious wankers that make ISIS look like a few rowdy lads you could have a beer with. Seahawks fans had no idea there was a team in Seattle four years ago and now they act like they helped build the King Dome. Having to take shit from a fan who still has a tag on his jersey is unbearable. But Patriot fans are horrific monsters. They’ve been emboldened by the whole city of Boston’s sports winning streak of the last decade and when you bless a large group of total losers with success, they don’t handle it the right way. Like most trash, if you give them a voice, every bad aspect of their personalities comes to the fore and is amplified through a Marshall stack. At least the Seahawks fans are somewhat educated and when they’re done being Seahawks fans in a few years, they’ll just be normal people.

Advantage: Seahawks

The Uniforms

Not even close. I love the Seahawks uniforms and logo. They were a bold choice and history will show they set a standard for the future of uniform design. The Pats have that terrible 90’s looking patriot guy on the side of the helmet and it’s now as dated as a Monica Lewinski joke. Just dreadful.

Advantage: Seahawks

The Coaches

The third Sophie’s Choice of Shit. There are a lot of coaches to dislike in the NFL but this Super Bowl will feature two of the most unlikeable jerks on the planet patrolling the sidelines. Pete Carroll is the embodiment of corruption and supreme douchebaggery and it’s shocking he can coach a football game when you know his mind is on which co-ed he’s going to pork after the game. He’s a disingenuous creep whose every success is like a dagger to my balls. And then there’s Bill. Bill Belichick is so unlikeable, a shelter dog might say “I’m good” to an invitation to his home. Still, Belichick is one hell of a coach and cheating or not, he knows football better than anyone. He may suck, but you have to love him for how good he sucks.

Advantage: Patriots

The Quarterbacks

While there are many tough decisions here, a few easy ones get served up. Tom Brady will go down as one of the greatest QB’s of all time and rightfully so. He’s fantastic and a handsome winner. But he’s also fairly unlikeable for reasons beyond his handsome control. Russell Wilson on the other hand is very likeable – a winner who will visit sick kids in the hospital. It’s just a drag Wilson plays for the Seahawks because it would be very easy to hate the entire Seahawks roster if he wasn’t the signal caller.

Advantage: Seahawks

Half Time Show

Katy Perry is really what’s wrong with America: A marginally capable con artist who tricked everyone into thinking she was talented. All the while, raking in huge amounts of cash and laughing her ass off on the way to the bank. She honestly believes that trotting out Lenny Kravitz during the halftime show is what America wants if that tells you anything. She is as bland as unflavored ice milk and her dishonest, ongoing scam of bilking Americans of their hard earned cash deserves endless jeers. I hope she gets horrible diarrhea while performing and has to retire from public life after the game.

Advantage: No one. We all lose.

The Narrative

We all know what this will be: Did the Pats cheat? Will they try to cheat during the Super Bowl? Who cares. If you spent any time wringing your hands over BallGhazi and not just chuckling at the ridiculous spectacle of all of it, you need to get a life. The Pats are scumbags, we all know this. And the Seahawks are big boys who will be more than ready to take them on next Sunday regardless of the drama. It’s a stupid controversy and I will be tuning out anything that doesn’t deal directly with how the Pats will handle Seattle’s fearsome defense or how the Seahawks will try to stop Gronkowski. The rest is noise for morons who enjoy those Hump Day commercials.

So who wins? I’ve seen a lot of people who are wishing that a meteor hits the field while both teams are in the vicinity, thus solving all of our problems. If you’ve ever read the Watchmen graphic novel, the bad guy teleports a giant monster into New York and kills thousands of people. I too would like to transport a horrific monster on to the field during the Super Bowl, but I realized the monster is already there: in the form of the Seahawks and the Patriots. And all of America will be the collateral damage.

I can’t root for any of these teams, but I will root for Colorado Rockie, Russell Wilson.

Official prediction: Seahawks 24 – Patriots 20

Written by John Reidy