The rules for Saint Patrick’s Day
“You should be drinking the black any chance you get but if you’re drinking Coors Lite on the one day you should be having a true Irish beer, you’re just being a butthole.”
If New Year’s Eve is amateur night, St. Patrick’s Day is the Super Bowl for people of all walks of life to shame themselves in puddles of green puke. It’s a great deal of fun but there are a few things you need to adhere to if you want to shed your amateur status and stay a pro on the day the Irish are king.
Green Beer
Just don’t drink it. Unless it’s free. And even then, you should probably stay away from it. It’s just Bud Lite stained green and will probably give you a bad hangover while making you wish whatever comes out the other end was a Shamrock shake. Irish people don’t drink green beer and neither should you.
How to pronounce Smithwicks.
If you’re looking for some Irish beer and don’t want Guinness, try a Smithwicks. Just don’t make the same mistake I did in the middle of a Dublin pub. I had never seen it before and asked for a Smithwicks, pronouncing it the way it looks and a bitter Dubliner at the bar leaned into me and hissed “it’s pronounced Smith-icks!” Duly noted. Sound like you know what the hell you’re talking about on the 17th and pronounce it the correct way.
With that said, don’t drink anything other than Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day
You should be drinking the black any chance you get but if you’re drinking Coors Lite on the one day you should be having a true Irish beer, you’re just being a butthole. Guinness is fantastic beer and if you’re the party pooper who can’t put down your Zima for one goddamned night, you should probably stay home.
Don’t call it “Paddy’s Day” (This was debunked by @krissibex in this column)
It’s called St. Patrick’s Day so don’t fall into the trap most Americans do and say St. “Paddy’s” Day. “Patty’s” Day is fine because that’s a shortening of the word Patrick. Paddy, an altogether different name, is short for Padraig and last time I checked, it wasn’t St. Padraig’s Day. “Paddy” also has some negative connotations for the Irish and will draw their ire because they’ve probably already had enough of your once a year bullshit.
Black and Tan is a no-no
Speaking of that, don’t order a Black and Tan when you go out for St. Patrick’s Day. As Nike recently found out (http://tinyurl.com/6w36gwj), black and tans were British soldiers who beat the crap out of the Irish and they aren’t fond of the reference. It’s like ordering a drink for Rick Santorum called the “Hot Gay Blowjob”.
Don’t try an Irish accent
You’re terrible at it. The “sure and begorrahs” and “top o’ the mornings” you will try on the 17th dishonor the memories of all the Irish who died laying down the infrastructure that is our rail system. And it’s about as insulting as a doing a southern accent with a dunce cap and a finger up your nose.
Irish people love that you’ve chosen to honor their culture by getting drunk and pissing and/or vomiting all over your downtown area. But if you’re going to pee and puke all over a sidewalk, can you do it some other time? I’ve been in Dublin and yes, on a Friday night, while most Irish would like a quiet pint with friends, there’s so much urine and vomit pouring out you’d think it was St. Patrick’s Day every single night in the Dirty Old Town. It still doesn’t make it alright. But if you insist on carrying on with that part, keep your excretions and Irish indiscretions to the gutters and we’ll be cool.
