Some unsolicited advice for Josh Kroenke
“The first thing you’re going to have to overcome in becoming a local sports tycoon is the public perception that you’re a runny-nosed little spoiled brat with a silver spoon up his ass. “
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Well, Josh. Looks like you’re the man now. Your dad has his hands full with the St Louis Rams and Arsenal and all that stuff so he has left you in charge of the whole Pepsi Center / flyover country operation here in Colorado. Super. Not a bad gig for a fellow your age.
You have chased off Pierre Lacroix and his meddling kid and allowed your friend Masai to bolt to Toronto. Control over the Avalanche and Nuggets is finally all yours. You’re the owner, general manager and overlord of both franchises and if anyone’s got a problem with that they can kiss your lily white butt.
You aren’t in the shadows anymore, Josh. Up until this year you operated in near obscurity despite your lofty role. You have thrust yourself into the spotlight, kid. Like it or not, you’re suddenly Denver’s most visible sports executive. You’re more powerful than Elway, more well-known than the Monforts.
It’s time to act the part.
The first thing you’re going to have to overcome in becoming a local sports tycoon is the public perception that you’re a runny-nosed little spoiled brat with a silver spoon up his ass. You are one, of course. Being the son of Stan Kroenke and Anne Walton Kroenke – Walton as in Sam Walton – as in Wal-Mart means that you were a billionaire several times over before the doctor ever smacked you on your over-privileged infant behind.
You aren’t the 1%. You’re the .000001%.
People are going to think that you never had to work for anything. Overcoming that won’t be easy. There is general bias against guys like you, which you have doubtlessly encountered before. No matter what you do you will never be labeled a “self-made man”.
Nobody is going to sympathize with your full-ride scholarship to Missouri, internship with the NBA, post-college pay gig at Lehman Brothers or inherited position atop Kroenke Sports. Your life experience plays directly into your rich boy image.
You won’t be able to escape who are you and what family you are a part of. Your best move is to be proud of your heritage and flaunt it a little – to be a modern day billionaire sports tycoon with an attitude.
The first step in crafting your new public persona is to “Mark Cuban” yourself up a little. The jacket and tie and perfectly coifed, slicked back hair have got to go. It’s important that you always look like you just rolled out of bed. Unless you’re attending a formal dinner or a fund raiser or something you should stick to basketball shorts and a wrinkled ironic tee-shirt of some kind. A “Dukes of Hazzard” tee would fit the bill. Cargo pants are fine, as long as you wear them with Crocs. This is Colorado, Josh, not Wall Street.
Whatever you do never ever wear those dress shirts with the blue vertical stripes and starched white collar. Patriots owner Robert Kraft owns that look. Besides, it emphasizes your awesome wealth. You’re going to want to downplay it.
It would help if you became eccentric also. A leaked story about how you store pee in jars or something like that would serve to divert attention away from your piles and piles of money. Maybe you could build a private amusement park, collect primates or never be seen without a white tiger. Hang out with JaVale McGee a lot. You’ll pick up some tips.
Maybe you could grow a goatee, let your hair get long and fly a balloon around the world like Richard Branson.
You’re definitely going to need to bang young starlets. People expect it of their handsome billionaires. Kardashians are old news. You’ll want to hook up with an Amanda Bynes type, Miley Cyrus, somebody like that. Remember the pervy age rule of thumb: divide by two and add six. You’re 33, so you can sex up chicks as young as 22. Selena Gomez in only 19, so stay away. Whichever famous hottie (or hotties) you choose, be sure and be seen out and about with her a lot.
Coming out as super gay may not be a bad move either. If instead of starlets you had a buttered hunk on each arm everywhere you went the public would forget all about your fortune. You could be the Liberace of the sports world. Not only would you render it politically incorrect not to like you, you would horrify your father, which could be very useful in de-Waltoning yourself.
When you step to a microphone you have to ooze confidence. That press conference you held on Friday explaining why you fired George Karl was awful. You did not look like a man who knows what he wants and how to get it. You looked like a nervous, unprepared rich kid with sports teams as toys. Mark Cuban never looks that way, does he Josh?
You have to talk to the media like they are all a bunch of idiots and you are the smartest person in the world. That means not talking out both sides of your ass. You fired George Karl because he sucked in the playoffs. Just admit that. It’s something people can totally get behind. But when you say things like “this had nothing to do with the playoffs” and then hedge with “I’m not here to win awards I’m here to win banners”, nobody will trust you. You’ve got to have the bravado to say “this is what I did, this is why I did it and, if you don’t like it, you can suck my balls.”
You’re the man now dog.
