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One Drew over the cuckoo’s nest or 10 More Ways Drew Soicher Can Destroy Pop Culture

South Stands Denver | November 14, 2014

“That’s pretty lame, and unprofessional as those are, my two favorite moments from Soicher came in 2012 when he asked the newly-acquired Peyton Manning to sign his bobblehead on-air and this July when he spewed out a tasteless joke about Pat Bowlen and Alzheimer’s. Great moments to remember for 9 News I’m sure.”

 

Everybody hates Drew Soicher and his hackneyed on-air bits that make him the worst sports journalist in Denver, but the real question to ask is why he is still on the air?

Denver has a history of quality sports journalists, but Soicher is not one of them and is the albatross around the necks for every professional who takes their job seriously. You have to feel for his co-workers who are working overtime on Broncos-centric stories that should be handled by the main sports anchor. And when he’s called out on his lack of sports knowledge like when Kyle Clark took him to task about the NFL trade deadline, it makes him look even worse.

Soicher’s biography on the 9News.com’s states that he’s best known for a variety of wildly popular, unique segments including “Drew or False,” “Drew’s Clues” “Strange But Drew,” to name a few. That’s pretty lame, and unprofessional as those are, my two favorite moments from Soicher came in 2012 when he asked the newly-acquired Peyton Manning to sign his bobblehead on-air and this July when he spewed out a tasteless joke about Pat Bowlen and Alzheimer’s. Great moments to remember for 9 News I’m sure.

He was admonished by several outlets regarding his Pat Bowlen joke, including this site and The Denver Post, but was never reprimanded by 9News. In fact, the Drewmania has swelled with the addition of his Bobblehead Drewseum. While most local journalists are covering the sports scene, Soicher spent a good amount of time on Twitter to promote a cabinet that holds all of his precious sports trinkets.

Does Soicher have a follow-up bit entitled “A Night at the Drewseum” where he sleeps near his new “Drewseum” with a butt plug and a blankie?

To help Drew Soicher destroy Western Civilization more quickly, I compiled a list that will try to out-hack the master and maybe give him some more ideas in how to avoid being a real sports anchor:

Yabba Dabba Drew – Soicher will yell this every night as his sign off, and hopefully when the dinosaur rib cage knocks his car over, he’s trapped underneath it, crushing his head like the Red Viper.

Drew Oyster Cult – This would be a Drew Soicher cover band playing songs like “(Don’t Fear) the Bobblehead” which is just Drew trying to get people to touch his wang.

Drew Light Special – A Drew colored light goes off whenever Soicher says something right about Denver sports. It will be as bright as the Bat Signal and just as important, but no one will ever see it.

Drew Cross – They won’t know it until years from now, but people will need this new non-profit foundation to help those with Drew Soicher overexposure. Or “OverexSoicher.”

Mountain Drew – This new carbonated beverage contains 45 percent hack and only the basement dwelling morons who drink it will gain Soicher’s power by ingesting his essence. Ewww.

Tic Tac Drew – A new sports bit where a Drew Soicher fan plays a game of tic tac toe on-air and the only people who lose are everyone stuck watching it.

Hill Street Drew – KUSA will air a new procedural cop show starring Soicher who uses a team of bobbleheads to solve crimes in Commerce City. It’s just 30 minutes of Soicher standing naked in front of the bobbleheads, berating them for not “playing by the Drules.”

 One Drew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Soicher’s biopic that explains his lack of sports knowledge because he was given a lobotomy and Nick the sea lion smothered him with a pillow.

Trivial Drewsuit – The short-lived, failed segment where Soicher goes up against regular Denver sports fans and the questions are from the 80’s just like the last time he bothered to do some research on the teams he covers. 

Drew Moon Beer – Soicher drinks a gallon of milk and fills some nearly empty Blue Moon bottles with his own “special recipe” and calls it Craft Beer. All of Denver goes wild for this new, great beer.

 

Written by South Stands Denver

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