Fort Collins Man Builds “Peyton Snow Man(ning)”: Player, NFL Not Impressed
Tribute turns into lawsuit for Denver Broncos fan.
A 28-year old man in Fort Collins, Colorado has constructed what he considers a work of art. Others aren’t convinced.
Rich Kurtzman, a Denver, Colorado native and Fort Collins resident for the last decade, wasted hours of his time Wednesday afternoon building a “Peyton Snow Man(ning),” what he describes as a “Nearly life-size snow sculpture of Peyton Manning.”
“I’ve loved the Broncos for basically my entire life,” the kid with too much time on his hands said. “So, building this snow sculpture was a labor of love. Plus, I love those crazy mash-up words and ‘Snow Man(ning)’ seemed to fit perfectly.”
“And since Manning is terrible at playing in the snow, I thought this would be a way to break the curse, like a reverse voo-doo doll.”
After getting word of the ode to his genius, Manning said of the statue, “Damn these rednecks sure love their football team, don’t they?”
“It was a good job, good effort by the kid. Wait, why was this grown man playing in the snow for hours on end?” the future Hall of Fame quarterback asked South Stands Denver. “Seriously though, it doesn’t even look like me. If you ask me, it looks more surrealistic,” Manning said, referencing his Art History minor obtained at the University of Tennessee.
“And everybody knows that’s not how voo-doo dolls work. The cold doesn’t bother me anyway, I just enjoy wearing a glove during cold games,” Manning finished.
When told of Manning’s comments, Kurtzman exclaimed, “It’s a great honor to be dissed by a Broncos quarterback. I once met John Elway, and everyone always says he’s an ass hole in real life, but he was nice to me. Manning making fun of my tribute to him is better than I could have asked for!”
It turns out, the professional quarterback and advertising wiz wasn’t the only one unimpressed by the statue, the NFL has recently sent out a statement regarding “Snow Man(ning).”
“While we value our fans greatly, this ‘Snow Man(ning)’ is an abomination,” reads the NFL’s legal release. “We simply cannot have our players represented in this way. I mean, it doesn’t even look like the player in question. But when the defendant etched a ‘Denver Broncos logo’ into the helmet of the snow sculpture, he violated National Football League rights policy. We will be moving forward with legal action against Mr. Kurtzman.”
In a follow up interview, Kurtzman explained he was granted the rights to the logo by the Denver Broncos, but not the NFL as well.
The NFL’s legal representative said in a phone interview with South Stands Denver that the obsessed football fan will not be sued as long as the snow sculpture is taken down as soon as possible.
But when our news team went back to the Fort Collins home, “Snow Man(ning)” had been destroyed. Near its remains in the snow read in black spray paint, “Broncos suck! Go Raders!”
Satire
