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Embrace fantasy sports you soulless, Applebees having morons

John Reidy | August 4, 2014

“…It’s those monsters I would like to reach. I want to wrap them in a snuggie with their favorite team’s logo on it and hold them, whispering encouragement as they fall into a statistical dreamland.

And since most people who are vehemently opposed to fantasy sports won’t let me hold them and whisper to them, I’ll have to go another route.”

There is so much content out there to help you decide who to draft for your fantasy team, I feel it’s my civic duty to not add to that trash heap. Instead, I’d like to speak to the people who don’t play fantasy sports of any kind: the ones who hate it with a white hot passion. To those people I want to extend the hand of friendship and convince you that fantasy sports, football in particular, is the greatest gift to sports since HD television.

Take my hand children and let’s journey to that fantastical land of waiver wires and flex spots that will have you checking out ADP of backup tight ends in no time.

I’m always shocked when talking football with someone and after I mention my fantasy team, they say “oh yeah, I’ve never done that, I should look into that one of these seasons.” Look into it? Buddy, you’re missing out like free shot night down at the local Applebees. And like how odd I find the people who would got to an Applebees on any given night, I look at these people the same way.

But those folks can be explained away with just not being aware that something like fantasy sports exists. They’ve maybe heard of it, but it’s never held enough intrigue to get them to jump in a public league or the last roster spot of a friend’s league. Maybe they don’t sit in front of a computer every day. This is fine. It takes an adventurous soul to wade into the dark waters of fantasy, and if it’s never spoken to you, I can’t blame the average Joe for not being interested. Still, fantasy sports add another dimension that has never been seen before in sports and you’re only getting half of the story when you don’t participate.

But it’s the people that know about fantasy football, and its great impact on the NFL, that choose to avoid it and condemn it, are who I’m concerned with. It’s those monsters I would like to reach. I want to wrap them in a snuggie with their favorite team’s logo on it and hold them, whispering encouragement as they fall into a statistical dreamland.

And since most people who are vehemently opposed to fantasy sports won’t let me hold them and whisper to them, I’ll have to go another route.

The arguments I’ve heard are “it’s not real football” or “I can’t root for that guy/root against my team” and “I don’t understand it”. These are not valid excuses to disregard fantasy football and it’s your right as an American sports fan to know why.

It’s not real football

Well, actually it is. And you are wagering that your knowledge of the sport is superior to the rest of the people in your league. It is real football because the play on the field is dictating the points scored on your roster. If you are consistently good at fantasy football, you are probably a fairly knowledgeable football fan. And if I know football fans, the need to let everyone know how much they know is so important, it’s baffling how some fans would turn this opportunity down. Back up that endless posturing by showing everyone you know which running back to draft in the eighth round. I mean, I’m perusing the wide receiving corps for the Jacksonville Jaguars for Pete’s sake. Nothing but fantasy sports could ever bring me to that point and it makes me a bigger football fan than someone who would shun it.

I can’t root for that guy. I can’t root against my team

Oh yes, you can. As a rule I will never, ever root for a Denver Broncos loss where fantasy is concerned. That’s not going to happen. But I will sure as hell root for Tony Romo to throw six touchdowns against the Broncos when he’s on my fantasy team. Just as long as Peyton Manning throws seven. And the same goes for individual players that are about as well liked as a case of herpes. I’ve heard Phillip Rivers’ name thrown around as someone prospective fantasy players could never ever draft. Well, Rivers had a fantastic year last year and as much as the Bronco fan in me despises him, if I think he’s going to throw three or four TDs a game, I’m riding that sour puss jerk to fantasy glory. Again, as long as he doesn’t achieve great things against your team, root root root for Phillip Rivers. Think of it another way: Phillip Rivers is generally useless to you. Why not have him help you to a fantasy championship?

I don’t understand it

Are you kidding? There have been bigger idiots casting their lot with a fantasy draft and doing well then you ever will be. Granted some leagues get complicated with crazy rules and settings but for the most part you just have to know who the good players are to fill the roster spots. Keep checking it so you aren’t playing anyone who’s out and you’ve got a leg up on a bulk of the players out there. If you’re a football fan, you’ll know who to play matchup wise and then it’s just a matter of racking up those points.

The argument against fantasy from so-called football fans is pretty thin. I’ll certainly accept it from someone who may not be near a computer much during the day because you do have to stay on top of it to be successful. But if you’re a fan of the NFL, there’s no reason left for you to not play. And really, this is the closest you will ever get to punching in your own TD from two yards out, so why not celebrate with your fantasy running back who vultured it as if it was your own achievement?

Now get out there Broncos fans and draft Jamaal Charles, Phillip Rivers and the Seattle defense. It might be a little bitter going down, but the victory will turn it sweet fairly quickly.

Written by John Reidy


This post currently has 1 comment.

  1. Aly Chiman

    January 11, 2019 at 8:07 pm

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