BREAKING NEWS: Nuggets trade Renaldo Balkman!

Put down your bongs, Nug fans.  We’ve got some really bad news.

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The wait is finally over.  We can finally turn the page.  After months of speculation and hours upon hours of negotiations by Nuggets brass with the New Jersey Nets, The New York Knicks, the Lakers, The Mavericks and teams unknown, a deal has finally been made making Renaldo Balkman a Knick once more.

The Nuggets superstar returns to the team that traded him to Denver three years ago.  In the short time hea played here,  Balkman became a hero to so, so many.  He signed thousands of autographs at tattoo parlours and Medicinal Marijuana dispensaries throughout the Metro area, endearing him to stoners from all walks of life.  He was known to spend hours playing X-box with teenagers in his apartment complex and was never stingy with the Cheetos.  It’s not a wonder that home-made Balkman jerseys are such a common sight on the streets of Aurora. 

Balkman’s poise on the bench was unrivaled in the NBA.  Nuggets fans will always remember the way his eyes shifted from left to right and right to left as he watched his team mates run from one ond of the court to the other.  On nights when he wasn’t on the active roster he always dressed to impress, and his ropey locks of sticky hair cascaded down his back. 

Balkman departs as part of a multi-player deal with New York which included several lesser Nuggets players including Chauncey Billups, the “King of Park Hill”, Shelden Williams, Anthony Carter and a forward named Carmelo Anthony.  Denver recieves some rookie, some Russian guy, some Euro, some cash and some kind of draft pick in return.

Balkman’s discontentedness with the Nuggets had become apparent.  He had made it clear that he wanted to sit and watch a team with a chance at a championship. The bench in Madison Square Garden is just the kind of place that he can do that.

Yes, Nuggets fans, it’s a dark, dark day in Denver.  All fans can do is suck in a giant bongload and hope that the Nuggets somehow rebound from the loss of Renaldo Balkman.