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As Seen on TV: Stephen A Smith – repugnant asshole

John Reidy | September 25, 2014

“Did you notice the Stephen A. Smith Oberto Beef Jerky ads have started up again? I guess his ridiculous views on women and violence weren’t enough to scare off the Oberto people, so one of the most repugnant assholes in sports media is back hawking dried beef.”

Time is folding in on itself as Lincoln has expanded it Matthew McConaughey commercials with some real mind bending shit. In the latest for the MKC, a supposed luxury sedan that Lincoln desperately wants middle aged white guys to find cool, McConaughey has read our goddamn minds and then subsequently blows them with this: “I’ve been driving a Lincoln long before I was paid to drive one.” What??? That’s exactly the comment I made before about him drawing a huge check to shill for Lincoln. Were his ears burning? Did he anticipate this in his own super cool way? And did he really have to address this? If he’s giving away secrets, I’m going to wonder out loud if he smoked real weed on the set of Dazed and Confused and he can get us up to speed in his next Lincoln commercial.

KFC features horrible man-children who obsess over the low grade, bottom feeder chicken that’s only $5. I mean, NOTHING is $5 anymore. What’s wrong with it that it’s $5? They try and act cute and ironic but really betray the loathsome nature of people who still find fast food a viable food choice. My guess is hipsters in ad agencies make up these ads, sprinkle them generously with irony and send it on its way. But after they go to production, the irony is slurped out of it like an oyster and we’re stuck with immature, over grown male children who are bloated from too much sodium in the offal they are shoving in their mouths. We want to punch these people in real life KFC, not emulate them.

Honda Fit shows what’s called a “douchebeard” (young, smug white guy with perfectly trimmed beard) telling you what you can cram into this tiny car. You know what else you can cram? This car up your ass. No one over the age of 18 would ever be caught dead driving one of these shit boxes and I certainly don’t need a smug douchebeard telling me what to do. Again, it’s someone you would punch, not buy a car from.

The NCIS shows on CBS are the McDonald’s (or KFC) of TV shows. Not solely because they are bad and shitty, but because it’s cranked out mindlessly, without a thought in the world, and millions of people gobble it up because they don’t know what real entertainment is. These shows are so awful and formulaic, lobotomy patients grow restless at the obvious plot points and hammy acting. If you’ve never watched NCIS LA, you’re missing a real treat. And by treat I mean steaming pile of horse feces. Now we’re subject to commercials for NCIS New Orleans, starring Scott “Baby Got” Bakula in a last ditch effort to hammer a check. You get what you deserve if you watch this.

Did you notice the Stephen A. Smith Oberto Beef Jerky ads have started up again? I guess his ridiculous views on women and violence weren’t enough to scare off the Oberto people, so one of the most repugnant assholes in sports media is back hawking dried beef. I mean I get Richard Sherman being in some of these ads – he’s a popular player. But Stephen A is a loud mouthed crack pot, with dubious media credentials, who is universally reviled. You just made a sale Jack Links.

Rob Lowe stars in a DirecTV commercial where his ugly doppelganger is what you get if you have cable. But let’s be honest, Rob Lowe is so pretty, even his ugly version is still pretty handsome. Point for DirecTV? Not really. I’ll take the ugly Rob Lowe if I have to.

I don’t think I ever mentioned the delightful GEICO commercial with former NFL running back Ickey Woods where he celebrates his place in line to get cold cuts with his patented touchdown dance the “Ickey Shuffle.” GEICO ads seem to tread a fine line between genius and horrendous but I think this one makes the grade. It’s entertaining and particularly well acted by Mr. Woods. I especially like the bemused yet alarmed expression on the very white lady’s face as he does his famous dance. Because we all know white people find African Americans to be a “musical people” and are amused by their antics.

And finally, while we’re talking white people, the JJ Watt Verizon/NFL commercial shows a whole lot of white people dancing. Including Watt, who looks like a Viking warlord shaking his biscuits next to the punchbowl. We’re shown some of what I imagine are the more nerdy teachers getting out on the dance floor and with a lack of self awareness unseen in our times, dance like white people are supposed to in commercials: Awfully and embarrassingly so. This is boilerplate “make fun of whitey” stuff that plays to the masses, so it’s unimaginative at best. Why not show the nerdy teachers and actually make them good dancers? That would be a hoot. And then have JJ Watt crush them against the folded up bleachers for no reason other than that they’d rather dance then watch football. Now that’s a commercial.

Written by John Reidy


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