Who to root for in the Super Bowl when you just don’t care
“These racist goons would gladly start up concentration camps in America if they could keep winning and no one questioned how their team cheated its way to winning five Super Bowls. Fuck the Pats fans with a glass covered dildo.”
Well, I mean, you probably care, but when your favorite team isn’t playing, it’s hard to get excited about the NFL’s crowning event.
I’ve written this column for years because it had been awhile since MY Broncos had been to the big game, but I got a chance to do it twice for our local team in the last four years, so I’ll take that tiny victory.
But as the Broncos plunge deeper into the pit of misery known as Vance Joseph (shout out to Bud Lite!), I’m back to writing this because, let’s be honest, it is hard to care who wins when the options are so crappy.
Let’s take a look at the shit show this year. The hated New England Patriots against the equally hated Philadelphia Eagles.
Enemies of the Broncos
This one is easy. The Pats are by far the bigger enemy of the Broncos. Keeping in mind it’s been the Broncos that have been the only team to put the brakes on the Pats going for several Super Bowl wins in a row, if you don’t hate the Pats while loving the Broncos, you probably don’t have a pulse. The Eagles, an NFC team, are totally easy to hate because of its fans (more on that later) but they just don’t have the same negative gravitas for Broncos Country that the Pats bring.
Advantage: Eagles
The Locations
Is Foxborough a real location? I have no idea. But I think it’s as far from Boston as Castle Rock is from Denver so it doesn’t really register as an actual place. Boston, which I’ve never been, seems like it’s pretty awesome, but since the Pats don’t play in Boston like the Red Sox, Celtics and Bruins do, I can’t count it. I drove through Philly once and while it seems like a butthole, I’m sure there’s some good stuff in it. I like It’s Always Sunny, so I guess it wins, but not by much.
Advantage: Eagles
The Fans
Hoo boy this is a tough one. As you already know, both fan bases comprise some of the worst people in the world, so trying to pick which one is better is like choosing between the nazi group from Georgia or the nazi group from Florida that killed someone at a Trump rally. Just horrible humans on both sides. But where the Eagles fans are just drunken neanderthals, the Pats fans are that, combined with the false sense of superiority gained from years of Patriots excellence. They did nothing to earn it, but they’ll take full credit for it. These racist goons would gladly start up concentration camps in America if they could keep winning and no one questioned how their team cheated its way to winning five Super Bowls. Fuck the Pats fans with a glass covered dildo.
Advantage: Eagles
The Uniforms
Easy one. The Pats logo is the one 90’s redesign (yes, Pats fans, they were around before 2001!) that has not aged well at all. It’s an embarrassing piece of shit. Their colors are red, white and blue which is hilarious because they are definitely NOT America’s team. The Eagles on the other hand wear a sharp dark green and the eagle logo, which was redesigned in 1996, still looks good.
Advantage: Eagles
The Coaches
Another easy one because I can’t even tell you the name of the Eagles coach. I know it was Andy Reid at one point and he sucks big time, so the new coach must be only slightly better. But you can’t get better than Bill Belichick who will probably go down as the greatest coach of all time. Yeah, the Pats have Josh McDaniels on the staff, who is worse than Stalin and Saddam Hussein combined, but Bill supersedes all of that because he’s just that good. No matter how much you hate the Pats, you can’t hate Bill for the incredible job he’s done.
Advantage: Patriots
The Quarterbacks
Handsome Tom or Un-Handsome Nick? I think the choice is clear. But if this had been Carson Wentz v Handsome Tom, we may have had a longer discussion. Tom will go down as the greatest QB of all time and he probably deserves it. He is that good. Sure he’s a fucking weirdo with his fad diets and kissing his son on the lips, but this is about football and you can’t argue against his greatness.
Advantage: Patriots
Half Time Show
We could have had Prince doing this show if he hadn’t tragically died two years ago. But no, we have to suffer through the biggest hack in the entertainment business: Justin Timberlake. What complete jackoff this guy is. His music is terrible and completely derivative of anything popular at the time. Every movie he’s been a principle player in has done horribly and he was in the worst boy band of all time. This guy is a total fraud and people will look back on the time where he was popular with shame and embarrassment. I can’t stand to look at his beady-eyed face and he can fuck right off into oblivion. I don’t like him either.
Advantage: None. We all lose
The Narrative
The Pats 6th Super Bowl title or the Bridesmaid Eagles’ first? Tough call. It’s compelling to have the perennial loser Eagles win one, but equally compelling to have the Pats get their sixth and stand shoulder to shoulder with the Steelers. Who by the way won most of theirs in the stone ages of the NFL so they shouldn’t count. The Pats are going to get that 6th at some point and maybe if they get it now they can start fading away. What they’ve done is pretty incredible (even though there was some cheating involved) and if this hastens their departure from the NFL scene, let’s get it going. It wouldn’t be terrible if the Eagles won and since we don’t see too many of their fans out this way, we wouldn’t have to suffer them like we do bandwagon Pats fans. This is close to a toss up, but you can’t argue with a team winning a 6th Super Bowl. Can they both lose?
Advantage: Patriots
So there you have it. No one outside of New England wants the Pats to win, but if they do, maybe they’ll go away faster? It doesn’t really matter either way. I’m not watching because I can’t stand Justin Timberlake and if I see five seconds of his face, I’ll be vomiting too much to watch anything. So I guess go Eagles? I still think the Pats win a squeaker 27-24.
