What must an alien think of the NFL Combine?
“The fact that these grown men are getting lathered up about other men’s body parts has homoerotic written all over it, almost has much as the two-man luge. Well, maybe not. “
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Think about it. An alternate life form beams down, lands their sweet spaceship ride in Indianapolis and wanders into the NFL Combine while it’s in full swing.
What do you think is going through their minds -assuming they actually have them of course?
My top two guesses would be some sort of homoerotic matchmaking service or a bizarre human zoo.
In the center of the stadium there are young men clad in all spandex basically performing for other older men, while many others look on from the seats surrounding the field. The participants, potential NFL draftees as we know them, are run through various drills and all of the results are being recorded and analyzed.
On one side of the field, these men in spandex are being instructed to run as fast as they can from Point A to Point B while being timed. The outfits alone leave little to the imagination and mind you, most of these guys are not small. Grown men are watching man boobs and fat jiggle their way down a 40-yard stretch of turf and then discuss and over analyze all of the various findings.
On the other side of the stadium, there are similar guys in the same outfits, tight enough to figure out their religion, running through other various drills. Some are running through cones, pushing off of each other or trying to stop other men from getting past them: Perhaps a mating ritual of some kind? All of this is being videotaped, recorded and even broadcast for this world to see.
Meanwhile, in other parts of the building there are other similar bizarre activities occurring. In one room, there are men in sweatpants (in the 80’s it was those super short Bike brand shorts, yikes) measuring different parts of these young men’s body. The onlookers are oohing and aahing over the size of their hands, feet and how far they can stretch out their arms. There is also a lot of emphasis placed upon the height of these beings, seemingly the taller they are the better.
The fact that these grown men are getting lathered up about other men’s body parts has homoerotic written all over it, almost has much as the two-man luge. Well, maybe not.
Down the hall in the weight room, there is another sort of assessment going on. Men are lifting heavy objects and doing the clean and jerk while the older ones are recording how many times they are able to repeat the same motion. Others are jumping repeatedly in the air for the same purpose.
The people up in the stands are all watching this whole process while writing down different numbers, stats and notes. These men will use words such as high-motor, intangibles and explosive to describe the participants and what they have to offer in this process.
What can all of this mean to these beings from another universe? It appears that all of these tests and recordings are being used to rank them in some sort of order to be possibly utilized at another time. What are they being selected for? With all of the asses and moose knuckles being paraded around, it most surely is to select their future mates, right?
With all of the talk about former Mizzou defensive end Michel Sam being openly gay and being on an NFL squad, I think we need to look to the combine to see if the NFL can handle the presence of homosexuals in the locker room.
From an outsider looking in, the homoeroticism is already alive and well.
