Who to root for in the Super Bowl when you just don’t care…..wait a minute….
“And while I respect the Seahawks fan base, they’ve still never tasted the sweet nectar of the Lombardi trophy and until they do that, they’re pretty much just Carolina Panthers fans.”
Who to root for in the Super Bowl when you just don’t care is the title of a column I have written for the last six years, and every time I wrote it, I wondered when I would be writing it about our home team here in Denver. Well, that time has come as MY (YOUR) Denver Broncos are going to the Super Bowl and if you truly don’t know who to root for, this will be the last ditch effort to turn your sad life around.
During the time I had written the column, the Broncos have been working on dodging a Super Bowl berth for the past 15 years, so I had to come up with a set of criteria that would give me a rooting interest in the teams that were actually playing for the title. I used helpful standards like “Enemies of the Broncos”, “Locations”, “Fans”, “Uniforms” and the hot storylines, which will now forever be referred to as “Narratives”.
But now I get to write this about the Denver Broncos. FINALLY. If you’re a Broncos fan, we all know who you’re rooting for. But if you’re on the fence, this handy guide should help you make the right decision.
Enemies of the Broncos
The Seahawks used to be division rivals of the Broncos and never got a whiff of the Super Bowl all those years John Elway was guiding his team to ill-fated championship appearances, so there’s an ancient reason to dislike them. But since Seattle joined the NFC West back in 2002, that rivalry has been put away like the Ark of the Covenant in a dusty warehouse. Unless of course you’re Skip Bayless who thinks the Seahawks are still in the AFC. Still, if you can remember that paragon of meatheadness, Brian Bosworth winding up Elway with comments about his horse teeth, you can muster some old school hate toward the ol’ SeaChickens.
Advantage: Broncos
Location
Seattle is a great city. I love it. Next to San Francisco, it’s the only place I’d willingly live on the west coast. It’s a cosmopolitan mix of tech meets rock n roll, rolled up in a doobie of weed and great coffee. It’s beautiful and smells great there. But Denver is the greatest city on Earth and even without the great weather, sunshine, mountains, craft beer, weed and lovely, good looking people, it would still be my first choice to live.
Advantage: Broncos
The Fans
This is easy. Seattle has only two of the four major sports represented and only one title from a team that they couldn’t keep. THEY COULDN’T KEEP THEIR NBA TEAM THAT HAD THE ONLY SUCCESS IN THE HISTORY OF SEATTLE. And don’t forget this marvelous town lost that NBA team to Low Life City aka Oklahoma City. That’s gotta sting. The football/baseball tandem in Seattle mirrors Denver in that the football team is successful while the baseball team is ensnared in mediocrity. Still they support both, while one is clearly a better run franchise than the other. The Mariners are owned by Nintendo if that helps clear anything up. And while I respect the Seahawks fan base, they’ve still never tasted the sweet nectar of the Lombardi trophy and until they do that, they’re pretty much just Carolina Panthers fans. Bronco fans are just as passionate and the homegrown “IN-COM-PLETE” chant bums everyone out who’s not a fan. Great work.
Advantage: Broncos
The Uniforms
Oh man this is a close one. It’s an unpopular opinion, but I really love the Seahawks uniforms. They are forward thinking without being ridiculous like a new fangled college atrocity. And the neon green stripe is just killer. No bullshit here, I love the Seahawk uniform. But you can’t go wrong with the orange Broncos jerseys. They harken back to the 80’s while forging into the future with its sleek trim. And don’t forget the fantastic updated horse logo they already won two Super Bowls with. Orange and blue forever, you guys.
Advantage: Broncos
The coaches
Jeez. This is so easy, even Eric Decker wouldn’t trip and fall over it. Pete Carroll is just the biggest piece of crap in the history of coaching. He makes Josh McDaniels, and Bill Belichick look like Ghandi and Nelson Mandela. Ok maybe not. But it’s close. Pete Carroll is a corrupt, co-ed banging, snake oil salesman who deserves the Jacksonville Jaguars, not the Seattle Seahawks. John Fox is not flashy, and is rarely interesting in his press conferences, but he’s a very likeable fellow who came back from a heart issue to reach the coaching zenith once again. Seeing Pete Carroll hoist Lombardi while chewing gum instead of Fox may be too much for any of us to handle.
Advantage: Broncos
The Quarterbacks
Russell Wilson is a rising star and an even better young man, so it’s hard to discount him in this category. He seems like a real good dude and has dealt with his rise from a third round pick to starting QB in a Super Bowl with the utmost class and dignity. And his middle name is Carrington. Pretty damn cool. I hope we can watch him for years to come: beating Colin Kaepernick in several NFC Championship games. But Peyton Fucking Manning (his real middle name is Williams) has put on such a jaw dropping display in his two seasons back from what could have been career ending neck surgery, there’s just no way Wilson can measure up. Manning is a God and Wilson is but a supplicant to his greatness. More on that in a bit.
Halftime Show
Bruno Mars, who I’m sure is talented, is just a poor choice for the Super Bowl Halftime show. If you can name even one of his songs, congrats: you are either a 14 year old girl or your taste in music doesn’t venture too far out of your ass. Beyonce was a good choice because she’s well known, popular and great performer. Even if you don’t necessarily care for her music, you still watched that fine cup of hot chocolate shake her goods last year at halftime. Bruno Mars’s inclusion in the NFL’s signature event is ok because no one really wants to see dinosaurs like the Rolling Stones or Bruce Springsteen up there again – I don’t and I’m a fan. But Bruno Mars’s presence at the game signifies that the people putting on the show have decided to forge ahead and leave all the old white people behind. But that’s ok. They got up to pee before it even came back from commercial.
Advantage: No one. We all lose.
The Story or “Narrative”
There’s only one story here and it’s certainly not a Seattle team making its second Super Bowl appearance. The Seahawks got completely screwed the last time they were there and it revealed what seemed like clear cut evidence that the NFL is rigged for certain teams to have an advantage. That in itself is a great story as well as how this could possibly be the best Seahawks team ever. But while Russell Wilson has plenty of time to win a Super Bowl, this is Peyton Manning’s time. The story of the broken down QB who might never play again. Kicked to the trash heap by the team and city he made great. Manning rose from the ashes and put together the greatest offensive season in NFL history and made it to a championship that could do nothing but lionize his greatness for generations to come. This wasn’t supposed to happen and doesn’t usually happen in sports. But it did and he’s there, ready to take his place as the greatest of all time. As far as “narratives” go, you just can’t get any better than this one.
Advantage: Broncos
And that’s why you should root for the Broncos in the upcoming Super Bowl. Were you surprised? I’ve waited a long time for this and you know damn well I’m going to give the Broncos a distinct advantage in all of these categories. And even though it seems like I’m going with my heart instead of my head, my fairly unbiased opinion is that the Denver Broncos win its third title by the score of 20-16. Go Broncos indeed.
