Denver sports holiday gift guide 2013
“They’re selling dirt. If the Monforts had any shame, they’d throw in a rack of ribs, but since they are soulless vampires, draining the good people of Colorado dry, you can pay $30 for some dirt.”
Atheist, Muslim, Christian or Flying Spaghetti Monster. It doesn’t matter. We’re all Denver sports fans, and it makes no difference what you believe in when our real religion is the Broncos, Nuggets, Avs and well, I guess the Rockies. And if you’re stuck on what to buy that rabid sports fan in your life this holiday season, here’s some suggestions that will make shopping as smooth as a Black Friday Sale on several painkillers and a couple of sips off a Nuggets flask.
Denver Broncos
BFF Necklace and Gameday necklace
Wear these to your next black tie function and let the world know that usual societal norms will not stop you from honoring the Denver Broncos. File these pieces of fine art under the heading of C-L-A-S-S.
Resin owl huh? The Broncos fans living in the great state of Colorado don’t have to worry about scraping resin out of a bowl come January first, but if you’re unfortunate enough to not live here, this resin owl, cobbled together from dozens of smoked bowls of several actual Denver Broncos will do just nicely.
All that’s missing is the goatee and mullet (sold separately) and you’ll look like the most obnoxious, braying jackass of a sports fan with these shades straight out of the 90’s. Unironically worn by morons everywhere, show your ineptitude for grasping simple social cues and sport these today.
I looked all over the front range for a window valance that would compliment my unique taste in home furnishings. I thought I was out of luck until I stumbled upon this Denver Broncos window valance. If you buy one window valance this year, make sure it is this elegant Denver Broncos window valance. Valance.
Denver Nuggets
There are tons of these in all different kinds of styles. Why? I have no idea. For some reason, people think garden gnomes equal sports fan. I think it equals weirdo, cat person with stacks of phone books from the last four decades in their dilapidated house. And Nuggets fans.
Usually it’s the Rockies, but this year the Nuggets will drive you to drink. And why not do it with some flair by drinking out of this nice flask?
Finally a place to put your dreams of a Nuggets NBA title.
Hell yeah, Keon Clark.
Autographed Antonio McDyess Atrocity
His shirt alone is why the 90’s were an awful atrocity of a decade.
Colorado Avalanche
Nothing shrieks hockey like a black cowboy hat. And you can shriek it from your lower bowl seats as you carefully decide whether to fully climb aboard the bandwagon or not. And when you do climb aboard, this hat will keep everyone a good five feet away from you.
Maybe I’ll buy this for myself and set up in what is formerly known as the TUACA CHILL ZONE and serve up some Tuaca since the powers that be at the Pepsi Center have decided to deny us this simple luxury in life.
Yeah, you could keep your sakes in here, or….YOU CAN PUT YOUR WEED IN IT.
The Avs have been a doormat for the rest of the NHL for the past few years, but no more. Wipe your feet with pride on the logo of your favorite hockey team knowing that the mud and feces you smear on the cherished “A” will not translate into another embarrassing season. But wouldn’t it make more sense to have one with a Red Wings logo on it?
Colorado Rockies
Why give the Monforts your money when Charlie is just going to spend it on wine anyway? Bring in your own bottle of cold, cold, chardonnay to Coors Field and drink your blues (or purples) away.
When you’re standing around your backyard bbq in June and people are wondering why you’re so very drunk, slip this glittery purple beer koozie over your Bud and help them to understand why you’ve decided to obliterate that part of the brain that got you excited for Rockies baseball in April.
Bring a few for some friends so they can forget as well.
Not the dirt from a thrilling game seven World Series victory, no. Just dirt from Coors Field on any given day where Wilton Lopez burned the place to the ground with his horrid pitching. Dirt. They’re selling dirt. If the Monforts had any shame, they’d throw in a rack of ribs, but since they are soulless vampires, draining the good people of Colorado dry, you can pay $30 for some dirt.
Why? No idea. What would be neat is if these were game used by the contractors building the #PartyDeck and then you’d be talking about a memorable keepsake. Otherwise it’s a cheaply made tape measure that if up to the Rockies standards, won’t measure anything correctly and will be re-assigned once it’s screwed up enough.
And finally, usually reserved for teams that have provided a fan with a lifetime of good memories, this casket, emblazoned with the logo of one of the worst run teams in MLB history, will be the last thing your family will remember you by as you are embraced by the unending blackness of death. Seasons greetings.
