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The Rockies will almost certainly suck again next season but they’re giving away some cheap crap

Colin D. | January 6, 2015

“Beginning Monday, May 4th every Monday is Purple Monday at Coors Field. Everyone stupid enough to show up will get a lame-ass Purple Monday tee shirt and a “baseball bingo” card. I’m not exactly sure what baseball bingo is but if it’s an excuse not to watch the game it can’t be all bad.”

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While other MLB teams have spent the “hot stove” season making moves to improve your Colorado Rockies have barely tilted the needle in their winter acquisitions. The team is yet to make any moves of significance. Tulo and Cargo remain Rockies and the team has, by all reports, made it clear that they have no intention of moving those follows for anything less than a king’s ransom. So, aside from Michael Cuddyer having moved on, the 2015 Colorado Rockies are going to very closely resemble the 2014 Colorado Rockies. In other words they’re going to suck balls again.

But the Rockies want you to know that there are still plenty of reasons to show up to Coors Field. Aside from the party deck, there will be free crap given away! Today the team released its 2015 promotional schedule detailing what kind of cheap junk they will be giving away in the coming season.

For example, fans who showup for opening day will recieve a magnetic team schedule card that they can stick to their refrigerators and begin ignoring by June. Attendees of the game the following day will get a sweet calendar from Root Sports. But then, on that Sunday, those who show up on time will get a cheap plastic Justin Morneau Batting Champ Bobblehead as a reward!

On Tuesday, April 21, shitty cold-ass hot dogs will be just a dollar. Wash ’em down with a $9 beer! On Friday, April 24th you can get a stupid fucking canvas tote bag which may come in handy if Colorado’s relief pitching makes you need  to vomit while your sitting in your seat.

Beginning Monday, May 4th every Monday is Purple Monday at Coors Field. Everyone stupid enough to show up will get a lame-ass Purple Monday tee shirt and a “baseball bingo” card. I’m not exactly sure what baseball bingo is but if it’s an excuse not to watch the game it can’t be all bad.

On Mother’s Day the Rockies are giving away “infinity scarves”, whatever the fuck those are. Also, on Memorial Day there will be fireworks! Fireworks are a “go-to” for the Rockies. People love shit that explodes.

On Wednesday, June 3rd fans who arrive early get a shitty fucking beach blanket. On the 7th it’s Tulo bobblehead day so you know that fucker will sell out.  On the 20th fans get a cheap plastic drink tumbler. The 21st is Father’s Day so come on down and get dad a dumbass cheap pile of garbage baseball hat.

In July fireworks are on the 10th which is incredibly fucking weak. There are a couple tee-shirt giveaways but not much else until the BIG Nolan Arenado Gold Glove Bobblehead giveaway on the 29th – yet another way the Rockies like to celebrate meaningless accomplishments.

August 15th is “lunch bag day” whatever the fuck that means. On the 19th you can bring your stupid fucking dog. The 22nd is stupid fucking Star Wars day when the real nerdy non-fans flock to the park and the 23rd is Jorge De La Rosa Bobblehead day.

September, officially the last month of the year the Rockies will be playing in, features a Purple Monday, a dollar hot dog day and “fan appreciation” day.

So, here’s to summer and to the 2015 Colorado Rockies who will match the garbage on the field with some cheap crap for you to take home with you.

Written by Colin D.

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