Friday, 21 April 2017 14:28

Mocking top 20 most ridiculous names in the 2017 NFL D’raft

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Huzzah! It’s the time of year once again when we look ahead to the NFL draft and dream of whom our favorite teams may add who may propel them toward a successful future. Optimism runs high as always; but the excitement isn’t the best part of the entry draft - the names of the prospects are.

Huzzah! It’s the time of year once again when we look ahead to the NFL draft and dream of whom our favorite teams may add who may propel them toward a successful future. Optimism runs high as always; but the excitement isn’t the best part of the entry draft - the names of the prospects are.

Like all NFL drafts the 2017 edition features some real doozies - monikers that football fans will soon be chuckling at on a weekly basis. This listing of the twenty most ridiculous is culled from a top-200 listing of draft prospects so these are all players you can rest assured with soon be mispronounced by network broadcast crews.

Takkarist McKinley What mother could take a look at her newborn son and announce “he looks like a Takkarist to me”? Is it a family name? Is he named after a skilled craft as in “Michael was an accomplished Takkarist”? Lord only knows. Takkarist is one dumb ass name.

Adoree' Jackson It’s a good thing Adoree’ grew up tough enough to play football because his Mom gave him one hell of a flitty chick name. I can only assume that she was trying to express that she adored him.

Tre'Davious White Nothing makes a ridiculous draft name quite like a well placed apostrophe. When Mom can’t choose one name she’ll often combine two using the apostrophe method.

Chidobe Awuzie From the University of Colorado via San Jose California we get Chidobe Awuze. His last name wasn’t weird enough, I guess, so his Mom decided to give him a memorable first one. Google “Chidobe” - he’s all that comes up.

JuJu Smith-Schuster JuJu would be a goofy enough name without the hyphenated last name. Together the three names are tongue-twistingly awkward.

Taco Charlton Dude’s Mom named his fucking Taco. Enough said.

Budda Baker If it’s meant to be “Buddha” someone really screwed up and if it’s not then it’s Bud-duh which is almost as stupid a name as Taco.

Jourdan Lewis If he were Jordan Lewis his name wouldn’t even be close to on this list but it makes the cut because it’s one of those names that’s spelled incorrectly on-purpose just to fuck with teachers.

Zay Jones Zay? Zay? Seriously? Zay?

Malachi Dupre Malachi is the last book of the Old Testament so it’s not a fabrication but it’s still super goofy - especially when coupled with Dupre. Combine the two and Milachi Dupri sounds like some kind of Vegas club singer.

Teez Tabor If I were him I would spend half my time saying “Teez nuts”. Did Mom intend to name him “Tease”? Maybe she didn’t do so well in school.

Obi Melifonwu Obi was born in Europe which definitely helps explain his goofy name. This isn’t the usual instance of Mom just being weird. Still, it’s going to be fun to hear the guys on TV mispronounce “Obi Melin-fon-wu”

ArDarius Stewart Mom really threw a curveball with this one. I would have expected ArDarius to have an apostrophe but I guess she prefered the clean look.

Dawuane Smoot We’ve seen our fair share of Dwaynes and a few DeWaynes and probably a DuWayne or two but I am pretty sure this is our very first Dawuane. It’s probably pronounced “Duane” but really it looks more like “Dah-woo-on”. It’s ridiculous.

Julie'n Davenport This dude’s Mom basically named him “Julie” but rescued him from the life of a boy named Sue by adding an apostrophe and the letter “N” at the end. I can only assume that she couldn’t spell “Julian”.

Jelani Hamilton Jelani sounds like a chewy candy.

Jessamen Dunker It’s kind of a shame that a kid named Dunker isn’t a prospect for the NBA draft instead but nonetheless the NFL will soon employ a young man named Jessamen which only sounds like a bodily excretion.  

Montravius Adams Mom had to work extra hard to squeeze an impressive four syllables into her son’s name but it was worth it. Montravius is a perfectly ridiculous name.

Jake Butt I don’t care where this guy lands. I am buying a Butt jersey.

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