Dear Timmy (I hope you don't mind if I call you Timmy),
First, let us both bow our heads in prayer for the weak and the sick. Especially the youngest victims of cancer. Bless their innocent souls.
I have enclosed a receipt for a small donation I made to the Tim Tebow Foundation in your name. Consider it a gesture of my undying respect for your work ethic.
All you do is win!
Look, Timmy, I can totally see where you might be shocked by all of this Peyton Manning nonsense. You must be beside yourself like Jesus is.
I want you to know that we didn't talk to Manning because we didn't trust you or because we were hoping to trade you to the Cleveland Browns for two tickets to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
We just wanted to pick his brain.
Foxey and I kind of came up with this brilliant plan, right? We would pretend to totally think you're garbage so that Manning would come down to Dove Valley and tell us all his secrets!
He has studied under amazing coaches,see, like Tony Dungy and that other guy (you know, the African American one) - why wouldn't we jump at the chance to glean his strategical insights?
I'm in the car business. I know how to work a deal. If I wanted to sign Manning don't you think I would have?? Come on, Timmy! I would have him and the undercoating.
We really got one over on that chummm....p! Let me tell ya'. We made him throw a football like hundreds of times. You would have totally busted up if you had seen that. It was like "oooooh, look at me! I'm the quarterback of the Broncos" HA! We totally worked that loser over.
Then we were all "18 million a year". HA! Like he was going to settle for that. You should have seen the look on his face. It totally came crashing down on him that we had totally used his ass. LOL!
It was never about you, Tim. It was about trying to get a leg up on the competition! I know how it must look but you have to trust me.
I should have written you sooner to explain all of this. Your mother has left me a whole bunch of angry voice messages. Please tell her I'm sorry I never called her back. I had to keep my distance from you and your family in order to convince people that I had totally given up on you even though you took the Broncos to the playoffs after a 1-4 start to the season.
Put yourself in my shoes! Can you imagine trying to sell that crap to your legions of obsessed fans? Replacing YOU with a 40 year old with a drawl? HA!
Speaking of your fans, I am hoping you can Tweet out that this was all a mistake. They are murdering me on Facebook. It's so uncool what they are saying. All this just because I was hoping to scam some sweet plays off of Manning for YOU to run in 2012?
Man, people are suck jerks.
Anyway, I hope you understand. I totally love you and stuff. I hope this letter makes everything all good. I never meant for all of this stuff to freak you out. You're our guy, pal.
Wanna speak at my church? I can totally cover the fifty G's. I will reach out to your Hollywood talent agency.
Give me a hug next time you see me.