Dear Mr. Cuban,
I’m writing on behalf of sports fans in Colorado to inquire about your availability to own a certain sports team here in our great state.
The Colorado Rockies, as you probably know, are pathetic. For a team with a good core of young players, the Rockies have done nothing but underachieve and embarrass themselves out on the diamond. And after careful consideration, we’ve all decided it’s solely because the owners of the team are complete, clueless fucks.
That’s where you come in. You were looking to buy a baseball team a little while ago but were unsuccessful in your bid to buy the Chicago Cubs. We figure, if you’re willing to buy a team as lousy as the Cubs, you’d be willing to take a look at a team as lousy as the Rockies. I can see why the Rockies would be a step down from a team with a rich history like the Cubs, but let me lay out a couple of reasons for you to throw an offer the way of the Rockies:
We have an extremely loyal fan base of people just dying to spend their money on a team that checked out back in June. Check the attendance at Coors Field this season: you’ll see we come out in droves to the ball park and support the supremely crappy product the current owners are trotting out on to the field.
Colorado and Denver especially, is a fervent sports environment. Despite our great weather, vast outdoor activities and millions of micro breweries, we get behind our sports teams and would throw ourselves on our swords for you if the Rockies improved even slightly.
Denver is also just a short plane ride from your hometown of Dallas, and you could spend your summers here (where the weather has got to be better than Texas) during baseball season and head back to Dallas when basketball starts up. And when the Mavs play in Denver? You can water your plants and feed your pet tigers in your sweet loft overlooking Coors Field.
This is a perfect fit as you can see. The Rockies could be great with the right ownership guiding the ship and the fanbase is ready and willing to support your investment with increased attendance and the continued purchasing of $7.50 beers. Please think about it. I don’t think the Rockies are even for sale, but the people who own the team are dumb and could probably be easily talked into selling by someone as successful and charismatic as you. We await your response.
The entire Colorado Rockies Fanbase