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As Seen on TV: Pull my pork please

John Reidy | October 2, 2014

“I get that some family members might come into your orbit with different tastes but these parents did such a poor job raising their kids, they bailed out on the Vikings and became Eagles, Cowboys, Steelers and Bengals fans? This is unacceptable.”

Everyone is talking about pulled pork and no one is talking about pulling my pork. This and various versions of this joke are the only good that can come out of fast food restaurants offering the now popular food staple, Pulled Pork. Pulled Pork is easy. Take a pork shoulder, toss it in a crock pot and let it cook for the better part of a day. Season it how you want with spices or BBQ sauce and serve it on a bun. Easy, simple and people have been doing it for centuries. So why does Wendy’s think they can get in on the act? Because Wendy’s is an awful trash heap of a “restaurant” that will serve you cat turds if they were suddenly popular. Save yourself some trouble and the crippling bout of diarrhea and don’t eat pulled pork from Wendy’s or any other fast food joint. And that’s something you can pull your pork to.

Macy’s is advertising something where Ryan Seacrest will dress your nerdy self like a baby and hopefully change your diaper too, because if you’re allowing Ryan Seacrest to dictate what you wear, you’re probably pooping your pants anyway. I didn’t even recognize Seacrest as the plastic surgery he’s been electing to receive has slowly eroded his face into a weird, anime version of himself no one will recognize in a few years. My god people. Please don’t involve yourself in anything Seacrest. He is an affront to humanity and all that is good.

Again, since I don’t have Sunday Ticket or Red Zone, I’m subjected to watching games on network television. And when you watch games on CBS, you’re relentlessly beaten over the head with ads for the network’s tremendously bad TV shows. This is the same channel that brings you 60 Minutes yet there it is, NCIS Omaha making us all dumber for merely seeing the commercial.

The Papa John’s/Fox Sports ads with Troy Aikman are pretty dreadful. Does Papa John know that Hall of Famer Troy Aikman is only hanging out with him because he’s being paid to? He sure acts like his ghastly pizza and sparkling personality are what’s bringing the NFL greats to the yard. No way Peyton hangs out with this overly botoxed, schizer-pizza merchant if he wasn’t paid to do so. Better question: why is anyone paying Papa John to shit in our mouths and call it pizza?

Is the NFL Shop commercial where the family supports every horrible team in the NFL clever or completely clueless? As fans, we hate the frontrunner who only likes a team because it’s popular and the NFL should know this. We have one team that we root for and nary a second shall come into play. And that’s why this completely oblivious (or cheeky?) NFL Shop commercial is so maddening. I get that some family members might come into your orbit with different tastes but these parents did such a poor job raising their kids, they bailed out on the Vikings and became Eagles, Cowboys, Steelers and Bengals fans? This is unacceptable. And you would never, ever let your kid become a Ben Roethlisberger fan. As the great @RotoPat said: “He must not have read Roethlisberger’s Wikipedia page before he became a fan.” These people should be banned from watching football and if I could go back in time, I’d X-ray the dad’s balls to prevent him from breeding in the first place.

“No More” is an anti-domestic violence commercial that ran during the games this Sunday featuring famous people bringing to light the issue of domestic violence. This is great forward thinking by the NFL. I mean, it’s obvious that the many fans who commit domestic violence are what drove all of the NFL players to do it, so it’s smart to address the root of the problem. Hey you losers out there watching football, don’t beat your ladies because it’s affecting our players and also Budweiser is mad at us. The NFL deflects responsibility like Richard Sherman on a pass intended for Crabtree.

Shocktop has one of the worst logos ever designed to reach the zenith of network television. This logo, featuring a mohawked orange slice, is “margin-of-a-notebook doodle by a brain-dead-paint-huffing high school student” bad. And yet, there it is on one of the more popular beers going. I say popular, but what that means is a lot of truly ignorant muttonheads have fallen for the sickly sweet, pig’s piss that is Shocktop. What an awful, piece of crap this beer is and yet it sells enough to afford a commercial during NFL games. The terrible beer is secondary to the fact that some people actually wanted to drink this hot whiz from an infected goat bladder on top of a mountain. You’re on a mountain. Have a nice shot of whiskey. A Guinness. Something other than what skid row bums wouldn’t lick off the floor if you paid them. Dipping your balls in a pint of Shocktop would be the only way to improve its taste.

And then there’s Subway. The sandwich chain that uses sawdust from a haunted lumber mill as an ingredient in its supposed fresh bread wants to make fun of healthy people who are exercising instead of inhaling the company’s extrusions masquerading as a sandwich. The “Crop Fit” ad is a dig at Cross Fit and shows a man working on a farm as a trendy way to exercise. It’s weird that Subway would condemn a true healthy lifestyle and only showcase its questionable food when both exercise and eating right are the way to go. Pushing faux health food with a devil may care attitude and quietly poo-pooing actual healthy activity is now the “Eat Fresh” way. Now shut up and eat your sawdust or we’ll bring in a naked Jay Glazer to watch you while you eat.

Written by John Reidy

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